“Your Weekly Prevarication”

The Above Is Trying To Kill Us With Dog Waste

The Above has vandalized this sign to try and make us think dog waste is good for us.

Kamikaze Cantaloupes: The War On Vegetarian/Veganism Continues

The giant cantaloupe, Jupiter (unmistakable with its red eye) watches as its brethren cantaloupes attack the vegan/vegetarian headquarters.

Look at this explicit photographic evidence!  Is it not real enough!?  Is it not plain proof of the vegetation revolt?

Why you Shouldn’t Go Near Christmas Trees

~A VW Special Holiday Post~

WE KNOW THAT TREES ARE TRYING TO EAT US…

…But now, we know a surprising fact that will astonish, amaze, and make you want your money back on that awful douglas fur you got.

Christmas trees are leading the movement against Vegetarians/Vegans!  I discovered this when my friend told me hairspray could keep Christmas Trees alive for much longer than regular water.  So that must mean that Christmas tree needles are actually locks of hair!!!

As you can see, this tree has already flipped itself over to eventually fall on/eat somebody.

 Since Christmas trees have hair, they must be more sophisticated than we thought.

My suggestion:

Don’t spray hairspray on a Christmas tree, and get rid of any you see as soon as possible.

Or, you could try to commit to ending vegan/vegetarianism, so Christmas trees won’t be mad at you.

WATCH OUT FOR CHRISTMAS TREES!!!!

xAn

Textbooks… For “Learning” Purposes? Part 2

Quick Background:

Last post, we explored the subliminal messages in textbooks.

This is the moment you have been waiting for!

The answer to the question, “How can textbooks spy on us?”

It is not what we expected!

Textbooks are actually living monsters that are cloaked by “The Above” so that no one suspects them.  These monsters spy on us and send the information to their subordinates, Chnuffes.  We discovered this when we ran a textbook through the UltraUber-Hightech Decloaking Device 2000.

Before we ran it through the decloaking device

...and AFTER!

Yes, textbooks are really evil spying monsters that help “The Above” spy on us.  Those appendage-like structures that you see sticking out of the monster aren’t arms or legs, they’re actually information transmitters.

The Good News:  Evil as they may look, these monsters are totally harmless.

The Bad News:  There is no way to stop them, aside from breaking off the information transmitters.  However, without an UltraUber-Hightech Decloaking Device 2000, that is imposible.

So What Should We Do?!

Do not let textbooks transmit any information.  The ideal thing to do is leave them on a table, face down, so they won’t be able to see anything.  This way, “The Above” will get less information about us.

Brain frying,

xAn

Textbooks… For “Learning” Purposes? Part 1

Yes, textbooks are even MORE evil than everyone thinks they are! In fact, “The Above” and its spies, Chnupholuffaghans, have stuffed our textbooks full of subliminal messages!

For example, take a simple inequality equation from an Algebra textbook, like 6 – 2x > 14.  An equation like this ACTUALLY means “bite someone’s hand” in “The Above’s” subliminal messaging language.

This book is full of subliminal messages.

Seems pretty harmless, right? Wrong!  Although no one except for myself and Beatledude can actually read “The Above’s” subliminal messaging language, this means that they have total control over our textbooks!

AAAGGGGH! Textbooks are worse than we thought!

Yes, they are.  Since “The Above” has control over them, they can use them to spy on us.

Wait, how can a textbook spy on people? A very good question, and honestly, we don’t know yet.  All we know is that “The Above” is perfectly capable of spying on us with textbooks, and we should definitely be careful.  We do have a few theories, but none are especially groundbreaking.  The one that I believe is the most likely is that textbooks are actually cameras, disguised by ”The Above” to fool us.  We don’t really know yet, but once we do, the information will be posted.

Sleepingzes,

xAn

Alien Vegetarians Aid Earth’s Destruction!

Last week,

I was doing some forest Chnuffe investigations. What I found was much more totally crazy and more important!

As it turns out, there was a vegetation killing ray coming from the clouds!

I decided to conduct further research on this vegetation killing ray.

This entire planet is barren because vegetarians ate everything green!

What I found out:

This is related to the Vegetarian conspiracy! Vegetarian aliens and earth aliens have an alliance of vegetation eating and killing! Vegetarians across the universe have teamed up to destroy and eat all the vegetation until there is none left. Have you ever wondered my Mars is all barren rock? It was eaten by all the vegetarian Martians that used to live there! And now the Universal Alliance of Alien Vegetarians and Human Vegetarians (UAAVHV) are destroying the Earth vegetation!

This is the UAAVHV's secret allaince symbol!

They must be stopped before all the vegetation that ever existed is destoyed!

Bealedude.

Vegetarians and Vegans… A Bigger Scheme?!

 

Oh Gosh, What Are They Talking About NOW?

Here is what we’re talking about:

Have you ever wondered what vegetarians and vegans are going to do AFTER they destroy the world and frolic in the destruction?  Here at the VW, beatledude and I have answered that question.

Before I go any further, I would like to turn your attention to the various major scientific projects regarding other life in space.  Think about what it would be like if we discovered a forest on another planet.

COINCIDENCE?  I THINK NOT!!!

Yes, after vegetarians destroy Earth  they will go to other planets, and eat their forests too!

This is a forest on a planet in another solar system. Do not let the Earth-like appearance of this landscape decieve you. This image has been edited by vegetarians/vegans to look like Earth.

 Very soon, forests on other planets like these will be gone as a result of vegetation destruction.

 Why would anyone be so cruel?

Who knows?  Vegans and vegetarians, as we have learned, are not very logical.  They may just think it’s fun.  Or, they have some other secret reason that we have not learned yet.  Whatever it is, it is important that we take action.  If we can stop vegans and vegetarians here, they will not succeed in their destruction of all vegetarions in the universe.

 

Throwing darts at my computer for being so slow,

xAn

Transportation Methods of the Above

The Truth About Rain!

As you may have deduced from the title, we have discovered something awful about rain. 

What did we discover?

One day, while we were looking under extremely super high-tech microscopes at  raindrops, (we have lots of free time on our hands) I saw a small, boat-like device inside a raindrop.  This is the magnified picture (20,000,000x magnified, to be exact):

This is the magnified picture of what’s inside raindrops

 Don’t be fooled.  It may look like just a regular submarine, but it’s not.  It’s actually a transportation device of the Above.

This is how the Above sends down Chnupholuffaghans to spy on us.  The Chnuffes shrink to microscopic size, and get inside one of these submarine-like vessels to be transported to earth!

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Well, now that we know what the true purpose of rain is, there are two things we could do.  Thing #1:  PANIC!!  Thing #2:  Think of a logical way to solve this problem.  I choose #2.  You see, there aren’t many ways we can get rid of rain.  But since we’re not totally sure which raindrops contain the boat-like transportation devices and which don’t, we have to get rid of ALL the rain.

Although Chnuffes are deadly, there is one way to stop them temporarily.  FREEZE THE RAIN!!!  Yes, you too, a normal, gullable citizen can do their part by freezing all the rain they can get their hands on.

Do this simple task, and I assure you, the Above won’t get to us as quickly!

Frrrreezing,

xAn

The Dark Secret About Glasses!

ALL CHNUFFES IN DISGUISE WEAR GLASSES!

Yes, that’s right.  Glasses are transmitter devices that send information to the Above!!  One day, when I was casually wearing my friend’s glasses, this is what I saw:

 At this time, I was looking at my “friend”.  In his glasses, it showed him as a Chnuff.  Of course, all of this is translated from the original text, which read:  “Wisha hooben globshmemp heeray vishon.”  Then there was the image, as normal.  The Above’s language is quite complex, so this English translation is as close as we could get.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??

Well, as we suspected, The Above is extremely advanced, technologically speaking.  The fact that glasses can transmit visual messages, however, is more than we expected.  Also, the glasses can tell who’s wearing them, which was, in this case, me.  That’s why it says access denied to the chnuff’s I.D.

This problem has many solutions.

DON’T WEAR GLASSES!  This is the number one solution.  Even if you are not a spy, the Above may still be able to get into your glasses and use them to transmit what you see.

These are glasses that are corrupt. If you look closely, you can see little red lights on the rims. These are the transmitters

Simple Solution:  Wear Contacts!

The Above hasn’t figured out how to use contacts as transmitters yet, so as far as we know, contacts are safe to wear.

 

Don’t let people with glasses look at you!!

For all we know, the glasses could be able to tell if you’ve looked at this website, which tells the common, gullable citizen EVERYTHING the Above does not want them to know.

Smashing glasses,

xAn

Sunscreen Companies are Trying to Kill Us!

WHA?

Yes, all your life you have been led to believe in these “Harmful UV Rays” and the “Sunburn,” and the “Oggitty Baeggitty!” Well, its all a lie!

Where is the lie?

You know how it is called sunscreen? Well, the “screening” part is very true! It screens you from Vitamin D, which is necessary to everything, and the “Sun” part is a lie. Because of The Above, there is no sky, let alone a sun!

How will it destroy us?

It will block essential Vitamin D, and make children cry, as shown in the picture below.

Sunscreen makes children everywhere cry because of how sticky it is and how parents slap it on!

It also has another means of destroying us that is so evil it will send shivuhs down your spine. What they will do, is that when we turn 80, we will have all the sunscreen we have ever put on, bulge and turn is into……….

IT WILL TURN US INTO A GINORMUS FUZZBALL!!!!!! (Gasp)

That sent shivuhs down MY spine… How about yours?

AHHH!! I AM DOOMED TO BE A FUZZBALL?

Its not to late! You can save yourself from this madness! Take 1890 showers! Which each and every one you probably need.

Screening Sunscreen,

Beatledude